I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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