Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize