Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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