Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
