I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
