It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
