I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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