Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
