You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
