My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
