p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
