im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
