Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize