i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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