did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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