Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
