Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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