Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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