the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
