Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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