I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
