there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I AM VODKA MAN
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
