I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
