Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
