I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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