i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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