Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
