Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
