saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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