smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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