I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
