i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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