Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
