it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
