The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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