his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
