On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
