We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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