I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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