so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
