barbara walters just said penis...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
