im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have demons in me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize