i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
