fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
