I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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