I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
