i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
