Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
