Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
