he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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