Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
