You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
