Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
