I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
