When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
