An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
