Where is the hickey?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
