nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if only i could text you this smell
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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